Love with Conflicts?!

Coming up a title for this long post was TOUGH! ... it may change...

How many personality tests have you taken? There are so many options!! How many of them gave guidance on to how to handle relationships, what to look for in relationships, or what personality type is "The One"? Even with an extensive knowledge on who you are and what you are looking for, it does not mean that who you choose to be with or who God placed in your life will provide the constant happy, conflict free life people desire for. How many personality tests ask about your history, how you were raised, your parents personality?

I really wished I discussed this in a past post but there was a married couple (like 3 years ago) who I look up to and desire to be like someday. This couple, at a disability ministry camp, acted like a team. God was purely radiating off of them! Their joy, their love for each other and for everyone else at the camp can only be attributed to God! I longed for that. I know it takes work to get to that point. I did not and still do not know the work, the effort, the discipline this couple used along with God to become who they were and still are today... 

Guess what! I was given a wake up call a long time ago that I am still facing. Being a Christian does not make dating a Christian that much easier. It only give the couple an extra connection in which they have to cling to together, a support from God that would never let them down. A guidance and an example to live by to love each other during all circumstances. We are not to be lazy. We still need to control our selfish desires, our tendency to be sinful. We also still need to understand our past, how we were raised and how we handle challenges. As Christians dating and marrying Christians life is not going to be easy go with the flow, happy-go-lucky, even though I'm sure many girls like me dream of it. Why do you think Christian getting a divorce in America is at a rate of "33%" or more (depending on where you look)? American Psychological Association states that the U.S's population rate of divorce for 2013 is 40-50%.

Weird.... Should not every conversation about God be loving, exciting, uplifting, especially with the one man you are expecting to be your husband one day? Should not two Christians exemplify God's love in every conversation and sharing of ideas? Don't "we" state and almost brag that God is our foundation, our strength? 

For awhile, our conversations of God and our beliefs have become so disastrous. I feel much guilt on my part and strive to find ways to better myself not really knowing why I always felt like I had to defend myself, my actions or who God is. I never really knew why I was struggling, getting upset, then shutting myself down during these conversations. Then they started to spread beyond discussions about God. These discussions occurred during ideas I had about work, ways I could possibly apply what I learned (even though many my intentions were to simply explore, never to actually implement), ways I could grow intellectually. That's not easy, every time I'd shut down. I think the last two "events" narrowed down the reasons behind what starts the debates, heated discussions, whatever you'd like to call it.

People handle challenges, ideas, conflicts differently. I can only really speak to my own and share what has been discussed an seen about Jeff. How we handle such conflicts comes from two areas: Nature and Nurture. I love coming up with ideas in how I can do something bigger or be a part of something bigger. Join a sport or band (which i did both haha), get a job, get into grad school, change a system, design a program, educate someone how this would help them feel better. My parents right behind me saying sounds great! What is your first step? that was it encouragement, no challenges (unless it was something stupid like make a natural swimming pool by digging a hole in the backyard...). However my personality also did not allow me accept challenges. Whenever something challenged or conflicted with my idea my first reaction is to panic, to try to defend, or run away. I feel like a failure when something does not go my way. However I dont stay that way. After I spend sometime steaming, being mad, crying, or journal-ing, I usually come up with (thanks yo God really) a plan or a next step to my actions. But that's it, just the very next step, not the next two steps or conflicts that might arise. The process starts over, so this process is a long road but it has gotten me into grad school, it has gotten me into horse shows (that's a story...), it has gotten me through my internship, and I know that is how I slowly grow in Christ. Its a bit of a rollercoaster, im not going to lie, however no one but those close to me catches a glmpse of this. Also when someone presents an idea of their own to me I encourage it, I supprt their idea by saying how I think its awesome (unless there is something dangerously or scarey wrong with it)! But that is not everyone...

My boyfriend, however, loves the challenge, loves the different ways he can grow his idea to be more successful, and loves growing people by throwing out different challenges to their idea. It is not that he doesn't agree with your idea, he feels he is helping you grow, being a leader by showing areas that need to be considered, counter points others may find in your idea to stop you etc. He grew up where his ideas and what he has learned through life has been challenged, where questions and debates were posed. Jeff learned to ponder over ideas, think about many sides, then present with counter points ready and ready to explore more. On top of this he loves to debate. This, as far as I have seen, has gotten him through understanding and debating politics, finances (which he is quite passionate about at current), getting through college with many honorable mentions from a dean of the college, getting a scholarship, and quickly hired into a banking position, and with many leadership opportunities ahead!

So with this knowledge, put us two together and well... its not always the prettiest... He is looking to grow me, I am looking to support him. He wants me to challenge and grow him, I want him to encourage me. Whoops! None of us are wrong we are both different. yes I get upset, yes i know I feel guilt. Jeff admitted that he feels guilty when he upsets me. But I never feel hurt afterwards. I never feel like he doesn't love me or I love him less.

Currently what we are trying to learn is how to prevent the upset-ness on my part based from the emotional attachment I get from any idea or belief I present. Jeff is able to emotionally separate himself from his ideas (a skill I long for...I am such a girl though hehe). My first thought is to find away to take a step back. Prepare myself for when he is going to ask questions. He can't warn me, and so far I cant stop myself when I am on the defensive, so I want to be able to stop myself before I start rolling downwards. This is not going to be easy, this will take much control and thought over my words. This is a wise skill God wants from us anyways!

Proverbs 12: 16 "A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult."
Proverbs 12:18 "Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing."
Proverbs 12:23 "A Prudent man keeps his knowledge to himself, but the heart of the fool blurts out folly."
Proverbs 18:13 "He who answers before listening--that is his folly and his shame."

There are so many more proverbs that fit with where I need to grow. I need to hear the questions Jeff  is asking, not automatically take it as an attack to an idea. I need to stop, breathe, ask more questions in how to explore. Its hard! Its taking a habit and stopping it. It takes support from the outside. I mentioned to Jeff maybe he should give me a warning, however, asking questions is as automatic as my response. It will take prayer, it will take active action, it will take a slow growth.

So to summarize, just because you are a Christian, you are in or desire a relationship with a Christian, it's not going to go smoothly. except conflict, learn to handle conflict, understand how personality and home life has grown you and your partner. See where lessons taught back then lead to actions now. And overall be patient with one another as each one grows in his or her own way towards truth.

Romans 12:9-13
"Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. love one another with brotherly affection. outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Contribute to the needs o the saints and seek to show hospitality."