I am engaged!! I am engaged to a wonderful, caring, wise, fun, Christian/God-focused man! I will be one-day living with him, being a team with him, serving God together, learning and helping each other grow together. We will be travelling, making plans, making a home! I will be taking his last name to be mine!
This is exciting! This is new and HUGE step in the direction God has planned for us. However, I am not excited anymore. Just within two weeks, the stress, tears, and knots of getting married have consumed me. I have a laundry list of why this is.....
1) the cost of venues, catering, etc. needs to fit into our budget
2) my mind is focused on making the occasion wonderful...I have visions of my granny comparing this to Nick and Leanne's wedding, ppl being bored and feel like th trip to come to the wedding was a waste of money, and none of my close friends being able to make it....
3) My dream of wearing my mom's dressed was crushed when we tried it on and I was too big. I was further frustrated and the evil head of jealousy came when my sister tried it on and (of course) looked AMAZING in the dress. (I am truly excited that she get to wear the dress, just disappointed her and I couldnt wear it together...
4) The overwhelming amount of details that I feel like Im trying to fit into short time frames when I have over a year to plan for...
and the list goes on....
I thought being engaged would be fun, exciting, a process that Jeff and I get to enjoy with our familys together....I am not having fun, I am not excited anymore and I see Jeff and I already being torn apart bit by bit. My stress is transferring to him. My focus on me getting this event perfect is only harming me. I have multiple doubts about my maturity and readiness to be a fiance and wife. I miss the beginning stages of our relationship, when we were fun, lighthearted, not stressed. Jokes and laughter came easy, conversations would last for hours on end without a care about the tiredness we'd feel the next day.
I feel like I HAVE to take this on... I don't HAVE to do anything, I know that. but I do. I have taken on wedding venue hunting with my family, trying to see what would work with my Dad's budget, watching him squirm when he crunched numbers, Its not fun. I just want a fun simple wedding with the beautiful mountains. I LOVE mountains. They are so beautiful, huge, I feel like I can explore in them for hours and see a new world and my parents live in them!
I feel like that is what the bride is suppose to do, manage the planning, fitting it into her daddy's wallet and the stereotypical guy sits back and lets her plan all he has to do is pick the best man and show up.... however where did I get this view from? None other than the media, movies, tv shows.... not from the truth. The source I believe destroys relationships, marriages, friendships, and families.
I want a break, I just want to hang out with my family, I want to go for a hike, I want to relax. This is my last spring break I am spending it stressed and in tears 50% of the time. (I have always cried when stressed, sad, angry, jealous, any uncomfortable emotion... ) Actually, right now Im going to see if mom wants to call of wedding dress shopping and go see a movie, go hiking, or something...not wedding related...
Im back... we are not sure exactly what we are doing but we are going to Bucks tomorrow and I am calling off the David's Bridal appt.! Mom and I talked for an hour. I am so thankful for her, we talked about my distortion on the wedding, my fiance's tough needed love and communication, my worries and emotions. These emotions are not suppose to happen for wedding planning.... not at all... she confirmed that in me. I am taking a break from wedding planning for awhile. She strongly suggestion I sift through my emotions and what God is telling me through them. I am excited for our day tomorrow and a day to breath.. A day that afterwards would be fun to share with my fiance online. :)
I should go to bed. it is way past my bedtime and a tired mind never does the heart any good.
Three things are for sure:
1) I love God
2) I love my Fiance
3) I desire a totally stress free process one dependent on God's provision, timing, guidance, and love.
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